Church boner. Awkwardddd
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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