the condom got lost in my hair
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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