im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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