I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
