Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I AM VODKA MAN
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
