My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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