I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
