How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
