Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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