Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
