why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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