Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
