we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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