Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
sex in a hospital.. check
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
