thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
