I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
