I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
