I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
