My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
