im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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