The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
