I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
