we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
