I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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