someone owes me an orgasm
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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