I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
