how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
this hospital has no fireball
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
