just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
