Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
