I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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