Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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