I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
