I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Everyone says I win the strip club
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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