I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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