He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
