How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
