my text book just quoted the cookie monster
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
