I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
