I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
