Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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