my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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