This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
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