I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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