I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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