nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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