her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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