just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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