i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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