i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
