Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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