if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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