she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
