apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
